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All week. We have been bringing you stories of dating love sex and sometimes in in there comes cheating. Thats what were talking about today.
People who have who have been cheated on and now the experts are here to weigh in dr. Ramani durvasula. Thank you for being with us are women cheating as much as men the rates of women cheating have gone up 23 of women cheat.
19 of women. I guess gender equality has brought a lot of good things but women are catching up in some not very nice places women are working out of the home. More we change.
The sexual customs of our world women are more open and in touch with our sexuality and say i want something different. Its not just men that can be narcissistic and toxic women can too. What is microcheating yes.
Its an umbrella term for any moment. Connection. Experience behavior.
Where you are chair ing sharing. Something with someone other than your partner and youre hiding that from your own partner. We were talking about could it be the heart emoji that you send to somebody like how small could you go.
The truth is it could be anything because any sort of infidelity is really in the eye of the person who is experiencing it for my partner getting a heart emoji might not be a big deal. But if i was having some kind of ongoing narrative text thread. Where i was sharing things about my life and feelings.
I wasnt sharing with my partner that could be different it could be big or little. Its about your individual relationship. It comes down to would you be okay.
If your spouse how you doing this would you be okay. If your spouse knew. And if the answer is no get out of there right why are you doing it if your partner wouldnt.
Be okay. Thats an absence of empathy. I say to people ask yourself that question would you be okay.
If right now your partner was doing what youre doing with someone else. Why do people cheat first of all lets take on the sociopath issue. How much time you got.
But the sociopath is that as rare as we would like to believe i wish it were more rare and sadly were rewarding people for being mean theyre successful and they get a lot of attention. And thats what our world has become and so i think sadly. Its not as rare as you think and because theyre so charming.
The first guest talked about how charming someone is if i had one piece of dating advice out there. If someone is really charming. When you meet them dont date.
Them run. Theyre good at mirroring right they are good at mirroring can you explain what that is its the idea theyre almost like hunters they figure out exactly what matters to you they learn you they study you and they gather all that information. And its a manipulation.
She used the term love bombing. Thats what it is they find out what works for you and they get right in there. And you believe that youre in the middle of a fairy tale.
I like to consider myself an optimist. Im the dark side of this story. I think all of the conversations are amazing jumping off points for us to think about what we feel fulfilled by you know do we take advantage of our partners.
Do we take certain things for granted as things come up. We have a responsibility to talk about this is what im feeling this is what i need listening to your partner. Where are you often times people cheat.
Because you know they their needs arent being met in some way. But theyre taking the easy way out because were afraid to have the tough conversations you know its hard to start them. But once you get them rolling.
Its so rewarding i have to say doug and i will sit down and say im feeling disconnected from you i dont feel connected. I dont. Know why and then we start talking and inevitably we feel better after that conversation heres what people applause.
Were back now with psychologist ramani durvasula and logan levkoff talking about cheating is there a tell tale sign to tell if somebodys cheating. I hate to say it the best cheaters get away with it and there are no signs thats a sad and scary thing. I would say theres signs.
What ive seen over years of clinical practice. Its change something changes they lose a bunch of weight maybe they lose a bunch of weight want to give a nod on that one some of the changes are superfici. Superficial.
They start going to work looking fine. Its green juice in the morning green juice in the morning and you lock look hot or go to the grocery store in full hair and makeup. A lot of it can be attitude are they more distant from you do they feel cut off like you were talking about with your partner.
Feeling disconnected or are they more warm and affectionate than theyve been before it can go one way or the other and all of a sudden youre very handsy. I would say monitor the change and finally the electronic world too if they wont leave their phone. They go in the bathroom with the phone into the shower with the phone thats when you want to pay attention.
Why cant. I look at your phone. I should be able to look at your phone.
When i want if you trust each other go for it were not really good at that our bodies tell us things like something doesnt feel right we should act on it simply because at worst. We have to mea culpa and say i am sorry i was feeling something and i made a mistake. But i wanted to check in what about the question that we were talking about before once a cheater always a cheater is that true i know people who have cheated and have gone on to be faithful is that a true saying ish how so not a bet.
I would want to take listen in one rule. We have in psychologist past behavior predicts future behavior past is proprologue. If someone cheated on their 19 year old boyfriend and theyre 30.
I would let that go. But if the history has been multiple relationships that led to infidelity or theres been infidelity. I would mind the store.
But theres two kinds of cheaters. Theres the toxic narcissistic cheaters and the i really feel bad about this cheaters. The toxic narcissistic unempathic entitled cheaters.
Theyre not going to change. If youre signing on to that you better realize what youre signing on for keep it real. But if youre one of the this was a workplace thing gone out of control.
Im so sorry i cant believe it you go into therapy. Theres self reflection self awareness you have something to work with and ive seen some couples come back stronger than ever. If you have a toxic cheaters.
This is what you signed up for .
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